Photo by Monstera Production
So….currently working through a mini heartbreak – which sounds dramatic at my age – how about disappointment? I think people underestimate what a risk it is to dare to hope. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. Far from it. The exhilaration of possibility, especially if it goes right, is a very valid and needed dopamine rush. Life is dry AF otherwise and who wants that?! However, you also have to be ready to recover just in case it doesn’t quite turn out the way you plan.
I recently took a chance on forming a new relationship with someone. It started out promising. They have so many amazing qualities I’d never experienced in a partner before. Qualities I wanted to have around me long term. What was meant to be casual turned intense quite quickly which was strange but felt right too? We just ‘got’ each other.
He was like a ready made friend and part of the fun was discovering all our similarities as well as all the new things he could teach me. My favourite thing is his communication style which is incredible, thoughtful, mature, just revolutionary to me and I appreciated his patience and nurturing nature. We just clicked on a number of levels. However, external circumstances consistently became a threat to our stability and it backed me into a corner where I could only make one choice which was to step away.
Now, for those of you who are reading this and saying there’s never only one choice, you are absolutely correct. There are always multiple choices. And after all, if the potential is good then you fight through it right?
I have been wondering if I closed the door too soon? Could better have come if I had waited just a little longer? And here is where I received the biggest gift from our relationship: learning to listen and not wait until you’re bloodied before stepping away.
My eldest son is super observant – sometimes more than I realise – and one of my favourite things he’s ever said to me is an observation he made of me. “My mum doesn’t like to repeat herself”. This was something I must know on a subliminal level but I’d never heard it articulated before. So when he verbalised it my entire being shouted “Yes!” at this truth.
In this latest relationship our downfall was time. I wanted it. He couldn’t – or wouldn’t – give it. Calls and texts came in abundance, daily which I liked. However, there was a pull on his time that meant he couldn’t be physically present for me. I had asked a few times in a number of ways, nothing crazy just once a week. My own responsibilities don’t allow for crazy asks anyway but it always seemed to be met with an excuse. And as my son had noted, I don’t like to repeat myself.
In the main I could rationalise it – we are grown people with very adult responsibilities- , however, it became clear that (more often than not) it was a choice to prioritise others over the relationship we were trying to build. I also realised that he often chose to prioritise others ahead of himself – and I was something for him – so that diminished our chances further.
I’d been here in my twenties. Where you witness the truth about people’s choices, ignore it and hope for the best. It often leads you somewhere you never wanted to be.
So I had to make a choice. I was already becoming invested, planning ways we could spend time together weeks in advance but the writing was on the wall. With big red flags and a full sized orchestra. I was already feeling frustrated and neglected and his circumstances meant it would be a while before that settled, if ever.
I had spent years out of the dating scene because I wanted to focus on being good to myself, my business and my children. ‘Peace’ and ‘safety’ had become staple words in my vocabulary in a very noticeable way. I was surprised by how often they came up when I spoke about anything to do with my life. So when my needs were repeatedly being unmet, my spirit gently began to nag then overwhelmingly scream that I was doing myself a disservice.
So I ignored the chatter in my head that said ‘real women’ stuck around despite the emotional risks and dangers. Black women have been fed the narrative that relationships hurt for too long. I ignored the ‘what ifs’ built in fantasy rather than the facts I’d been presented with and observed. And I did something that I wanted for him and failed many times to give myself: I chose me.
I know me. If you become my person, in whatever capacity, I will be in your corner and give and give and give. However, I’ve had to learn to be more discerning about who receives those privileges because not everyone knows how to handle them. And that’s not always their fault. I am a gift that can only be bestowed to those who are ready. And some don’t know they’re not ready. Others fumble the bag and take it for granted. I had to become more accountable for who I give access to and we were at a critical crunch point.
I wrestled with the decision and put it down to ego – I didn’t want to be treated like a d***head. I put it down to fear – you’re not giving it a chance and bolting when things are tough. Again, the ‘real women’ excuse which is just plain bulls***. None of these responses truly acknowledged what was happening. I was choosing to preserve the most valuable thing I have: me.
My peace.
My sanity.
Protecting those close to me from the impact another person’s actions could have on my mood and, in turn, my ability to give to them.
I was saving myself from the time it would take to unpick and work through the pain that would inevitably come from these particular circumstances, pain that I just didn’t need to carry. And, finally, I was letting go of the misnomer that decent people always stand firm and save others. This wasn’t a life or death situation. This wasn’t my responsibility to carry and that level of investment hadn’t truly been earned. I hadn’t seen enough to know that my loyalty would pay off.
So whilst it’s true that I’m sad at the outcome, that I miss him, that I wish things were different, I’m grateful for the fact that I know I can and will protect myself. Re: relationships this hasn’t put me off which is also a positive from this experience. I need a mini break but know there’s more waiting for me and G*d will never let it pass me.
