So I finally turned 40 this past Sunday. If you knew how long I’ve been going on and on about this particular birthday because it seemed to promise a whole level up in the person I could be. Im not sure if it’s the birthday or just where I am at the moment but the last few months have been consumed with how do I strive for and achieve better. Not just in my professional career but in my personal life, mainly as a mother and a person. That meant facing certain longstanding behaviours and understanding that in order to get “better” I had to make changes.
Here are some of the things I’ve learnt through this period of evaluation and what I hope to take into this new decade:
Expectations set you up to fail – When I talk about expectations I mean our expectations of others. A friend of mine said that you should have a basic level of expectation of people and I think those are steeped in social norms make sense: don’t harm me, don’t steal from me, be respectful, that kind of thing. However, the expectations I’m talking about are things like expecting someone to care for you in the same way you do them.
When you have high expectations of people – particularly ones that you don’t actively articulate – you are bound to be disappointed when people fall short. Being open to an outcome can mean less hurt when you receive a response from the other party. The only expectations and outcomes you can trust are your own so from now on I’ll keep reminding myself of this.
Criteria is a must – one of my favourite people to follow on socials is Luvvie Ajayi-Jones. She’s like a stateside virtual big sister who talks life and business and one thing she does that I love is have criteria for the work she selects. The principle is you pick four or so criteria that help you make particular decisions. For example, when picking a job, the criteria could be: does it raise my profile, does it pay appropriately, am I excited to do it etc etc. Then if it ticks more of the boxes than not you’re a go. I’ve decided that one of my multiple criteria for friends is do you ask for those I love. Why is this important? I think people have to be really discerning about how they classify the people in the lives. Sometimes the title ‘friend’ is swung carelessly. As someone who takes them seriously it means something. And whilst it can’t always be defined one way I think the fundamentals should be there: care, respect, love. Those who claim to be friends should value the full 360, not just the bits that benefit them.
Boundaries are a must – I’ve been giving of myself since I was a child. When I think about it I suppose I wanted to support those I loved. This has continued into my adult life. However not everyone is deserving of this trait and some have benefitted far too long from it which has actually change the trajectory of my life. Sounds dramatic but true none the less. So this decade I come first. And I will match your energy with mine.
I deserve to come first – I’ve learnt there’s nothing virtuous about putting others first. It’s not selfish. It’s an act of survival because even those who require my support need me to take care of me so I have the additional love to pour over into them.
A whole new decade. A chance for more. We’ll see…wish me luck!
