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Whilst on holiday in Jamaica I learnt that Friends star Matthew Perry had passed away. It was a shock. He is a part of the fabric of our cultural landscape. He’s one of those people you never think of dying, especially at 54.
However, as stories circled the internet about his death, the possibility of understanding who he was began to intrigue me. That’s always the way. Though his book Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing was released this time last year, it was only his passing that made me seek out the book.
I raced to get a copy of his memoir so that I could learn who he was through his own words and it truly is the most personal read in recent memory.
Here are the things I took away from Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing.
MATTHEW PERRY WAS QUITE A FUNNY BUT SERIOUS PERSON
This book is incredibly funny but it also takes you on a range of emotions. Chandler was always my favourite – it feels like everyone is saying that now – but Ross was too straight-laced, Joey just a little too basic and I didn’t really connect with any of the women. Plus he was just that funny. But he was not his character. He was thoughtful, challenged, complex, insightful, hurt, insecure AND funny. I imagine he was the type of person you could have really intense conversations with that really explores life and that seems to be reflected in some of the interviews he has done around the book.
HE WAS A MAN OF GOD
He wasn’t brought up in a particular religion – if any really – but he acknowledges the existence of G*d. Matthew talks about two key instances where he calls upon G*d. The second time seems to have inspired his most recent period of sobriety. He describes asking G*d for help during a particularly precarious time and feeling G*d come to him leading him to commit to seeking him for the rest of his life. Honestly, as I read that passage in the dinner hall overlooking the ocean in Jamaica I cried. It was such an honest and unapologetic testament of his experience.
And what made me love it more is that he doesn’t try to get you to believe his account. There’s nothing about it that requests your validation or confirmation. He knows his experience and knows he experienced G*d firsthand that day.
DRUG ADDICTION REALLY IS A DISEASE
I have always appreciated that drug addiction is not a straightforward experience. It is a disease that is chemical and psychological and not just something that’s induced simply by taking drugs but exacerbated by it.
I started to learn that as a teen when I did work experience at a rehabilitation and support centre called Kaleidoscope. However, I’ve never read a personal account of addiction. This is one of the key things of Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing. It is such an intimate conversation between you and Matthew. And I can’t lie, I fell for him again because this is not a superficial or curated conversation. It is raw and honest and unusual for such a high profile person. You learn something far beyond the gossip but human to human. He truly ‘breaks the 4th wall’ – a term where the actors look directly at the audience.
I truly feel like Matthew Perry bared his soul on his own terms in his own way.
FAME AND MONEY DON’T TRULY EQUATE TO MUCH
Matthew Perry was fated to play Chandler Bing. As he describes the journey to the part that would forever change his life, he discusses how everyone went up for the role including one of his best friends who was actually offered the role but inexplicably chose an alternative project – well not inexplicably really, it just wasn’t meant for him.
That friend would not speak to Matthew for two years because he couldn’t reconcile that Matthew became rich and famous on the part he chose to turn down. When the two did finally reconnect, Matthew explained it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and didn’t really solve your problems the way you think it would.
He goes on to describe how he wishes everyone could have their dreams come true so they can see that it doesn’t fill the gaps you may have in your life. His biggest regrets seem to be around his relationships that always failed as he tended to run away from them (abandonment issues and insecurity plagued him). It saddens me he never married or had children, something he wanted for himself.
HE REALLY WANTED TO BE THERE FOR OTHERS
Matthew lived and breathed the chorus line from the show that made him famous “I’ll be there for you”. He really wanted to help other people and got such a deep sense of fulfilment from doing so in a way that he was never quite able to do for himself.
Even in his passing, it was announced that The Matthew Perry Foundation – a project he had been working on – had officially been incorporated. He made a commitment to G*d to use his fame and wealth for good, something that continues even in death.
It’s not lost on me the proximity between the publishing of this book and his untimely death. It’s rare for people to have that opportunity to truly express who they are before they leave this earth and I’m eternally grateful that Matthew had the opportunity and allowed us to truly see who he was unabashed and unfiltered.
Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing really is a masterpiece heightened further by Matthew no longer being with us in physical form. A massive thank you Matthew – I’m humbled by your honesty and bravery. Rest in eternal peace and enjoy the new phase of your journey being free of hurt, pain and addiction.
